They say that “something must kill a man,” I just pray it is not yansh that will kill me. If I have the chance to rewrite that verse in the bible that says “…and lead us not into temptation” I will change that ‘temptation’ to ‘yanshtation’.
I remember the day I almost got myself into trouble, sorry I actually got myself into trouble because of ukwu (ass in Igbo). Oh, remember the first part of this story that I won 2 rounds of a soldier’s transforming slaps, it was because of this same ukwu.
There was this girl named Yetunde (a student in AAUA) who used to come visit her aunt (a single mom) in one of the four flats in our compound back then.
Yetty, as I preferred calling her, was one thick hell-of-a-girl I loved being seen with, but unfortunately, we didn’t always have time to be together for long. Whenever she came visiting, she would probably leave the next day or the day after the next day…yeah, you can guess she always visited during weekends, it’s a right guess. This girl was reasonably fleshy, her watermelons were not too small and not too big, just a bit too much for a seventeen-year old girl.
I’m not too good at describing a girl’s shape the way great-grand uncle Shakespeare used to do, all I can say is that, Yetty was pretty and her ass was madt.
I always wished her aunt fell sick because that was the only period she stayed for a longer time. As the only family her aunt had in the city, she wouldn’t leave until her aunt got better.
She spent half of her holiday at her sister’s place though.
On this particular day, Yetty visited her aunt, and it happened they had a fight, as a result, babe decided to leave her aunt’s apartment for a friend’s place that evening..
I was outside listening to some jams on my phone when Yetty stormed out of her sister’s place and bade me a cold goodbye. “This is unlike her, something must be wrong,” I thought. I called and asked her what happened and she told me.
I didn’t want to care who was at fault between them, all I cared was to feel sorry for and support my ukwulicious friend and crush. “This is your moment, make a move,” the mumu guy in my head advised. The time was 7:35pm.
“It’s late, why not stay till tomorrow,” I introduced my first shot, hoping she would refuse so I could play my next card. I just wanted to be alone with the babe out of our compound, nobody would see us when I hold her or rub my shoulders against hers. I had my wicked plans laid out in my head…yeah, you can also guess we were really close.
“No, I’m leaving, I can’t stay a minute in that house,” she finally said what I wanted to hear after a few seconds.
Then I said, “ok, at least let me see you off to the junction” in my most gentlemanly voice. It’s true that when suffer wan hug you, ordinary breeze go raise your arms.
After walking some blocks away from our compound, we could hear some guys puffing in front of a private school on our street, they were four in number. Small small guys, I called them.
“Hello bae,” said one of them in a voice that would make a child drop his candy, but see me na, I’m a big boy, no voice can intimidate me.
Babe and I just bone the bunch of smokers and their leader. As we walked like five steps past them, one of them—one short and robust thing like that—just ran after us and grabbed babe’s hand.
“Alaye, baba n ba e wi,” (babe, the boss is talking to you).
As Yetty wanted to protest, I signaled to her that I would handle it. Yes, this was finally the stage where Mr. Satan the devil was pointing his fork at me with a slice of meat in the middle prong. I wanted to show babe I could be her soldier, maybe this would make her sign my proposal fas fas with a kiss.
“Guy, what’s the meaning of this? You saw me walking with someone and you just came from nowhere and started harassing her. You don’t even know if agjkcszjkknk…” I was just blowing all the grammar I learned from movies and my babe-to-be was feeling me too. I got more encouragement when she shrugged and said “can you imagine?” I found strength and encouragement in the thighs. Oh, you don’t know girls look sexier when they shrug? Watch out next time.
I was still blowing grammar and jointly jibbing all of them when the owner of the first voice stood up and approached us. Please note these rules somewhere in your jotter:
rule #1: before you throw tantrum at someone, make sure they’re on their feet.
This dude was very tall, and well-built as if his height wasn’t enough —selfish fellow.
“Wetin dey happen for here,” ‘boss’ demanded.
“Aluta, e ma wo bobo yi sha, o ma loun form Anthony Joshua ni sha” (Aluta, imagine this guy forming Anthony Joshua).
Aluta, who didn’t appear to be high on weed demanded I let the babe answer his call.
Now I was reaching for the meat on Satan’s 3-prong fork.
I will show this babe I am a man, I thought.
Even though Aluta was taller than me, but the way I stood unshakable made it look as if we were of the same height.
“Bros,” I started respectfully but in a tone that denied cowardice, “this babe is not going anywhere, we desperately need to get somewhere and…” I started with my grammar again.
I didn’t know weeders could be so calm and patient until this day, my ‘audience’ was so calm, patiently listened to my sermon. By the time I was done, the other 2 guys had joined us.
I didn’t know when Aluta turned to the shortest of them and gave him a signal.
rule #2: never underestimate short people, especially the beardless and bald-headed ones.
I didn’t know where the breeze came from, all I remembered was that a very short wave went past my face, followed by a “taah!” sound and finally a lightening. It was a resounding slap manufactured in Ilorin. I staggered to the left a bit, because I still had leftover of babe’s strength in me, like 30%. “I shall not be moved,” I told myself.
It was as if the one sent to call Yetty was reading my mind, he mailed me another well-nourished slap and my strength jumped like an old Samsung battery from 30% to 0%. I didn’t even bother to stagger or look for strength in the ukwu, I just went blank like a newly charcoaled blackboard.
It was later the next day my younger brother told me I lost two of my teeth and my phone the previous night.