It is true that when you really want to suffer, no matter how hard you have prayed or how much the whole community has interceded on your behalf before the gods, that suffering will definitely locate you.
It happened during my university days, when boys were full of energy and life, causing cheap troubles here and there all for the fun of it. My friends and I were always fond of waving at pretty girls while passing by on a bike, girls we didn’t know. If you did/do this, you sure know how it felt/feels like, right? When we waved at a girl, we kept her wondering if she really knew the person waving at her or not, before she could figure it out, we were already out of sight. Sometimes we made the ‘tsk tsk’ sound to make the girl notice us. And sometimes the ‘okada’ man answered the catcalling instead, and when such happened we would say something like “ogbeni no be you we dey call,” making sure he didn’t hear, to avoid trouble. Those guys could be mean abeg.
So, on this particular day, the devil was wearing Gucci, looking extraordinarily peng, ready to slay the day and treat my fuck. I was with some friends at a barber’s shop. Chai, I miss Whatever, one of the best barbers around back then. Whatever would cut your hair and babes would not stare at you, forget, no be Whatever cut you. We were having fun giving and hearing gist and playing our usual prank, taking turns on the catcalling mission. I’ve had two successful turns…I mean I’ve waved at two fine girls with big ‘yansh’, leaving them wondering “who is this cute guy waving at me?” I thought I was until this day.
It was my third turn, a very pretty girl…I’ve never seen her in the ‘area’ before. Damn! This ‘gurl’ was a killing machine. You’d go gaga if you looked at her behind for too long. You know that seductive way girls sit on bike, pushing their asses outwards, bouncing like a tennis ball, very seductive thing to do.
Oh my gum! This girl was killing me with her weapons that could cause WW3. Dark-fresh-skinned girl! I could lick this girl for two straight weeks with no food and I would be ok. She didn’t notice us noticing her, well, maybe she was, but decided to choose to not notice us because all ‘eyez’ were on her, I mean the part of her closest to the motorcycle’s seat. Then I made my move, did my ‘tsk tsk’ to make her look my side and do the waving. Babe no gree look my side. I did ‘tsk tsk’ again, and the usual unwanted happened —na the okada dude answer ‘the call’. Bad market.
“Ogbeni face front jor, no be you we dey call,” I said. I thought I was loud enough for him to hear what I just spluttered out, but who cared? He was just an okada rider. He sha sped away without me waving at the girl.
About seventeen minutes later, we saw the same okada guy coming, but this time around the pretty babe wasn’t sitting behind him, it was one fresh handsome dark guy looking like a physical fitness trainer instead, he was putting on a black round neck, a deep green khaki, a simple gold chain, and palm sandals. My friends and I didn’t care so much about them, as we were waiting for another fish to hunt—another victim of our yeye prank. Then the bike stopped right in front of us. We looked at them briefely, thinking the guy had come to have his hair cut. Who wouldn’t want Whatever to cut his hair for him anyways? Then the okada man parked his bike properly, pointed at me and said “na the boy be this.” Before one of my guys, Tommy, one legelege guy laidat, could finish his “wetin happen?”, the next sound I heard was ‘Twua!’ on my face. I believed that light really traveled faster than sound that day, everywhere went black within the shortest time ever recorded. Then I saw white, blue, pink and green doves emerging from the darkness. It was like an eclipse of the universe. I lost balance of my capability, I lost control of my mentality…who’s that mountain before Zerubbabel? The image of the judgment day flashed right before me. “God, is this the end? Is it time for me to come back to you?” I asked in my brief unconscious state. I was regaining consciousness when another slap landed, ‘Tawai!’
Ah! I’m dead!
“This is the end, let me in. My Father is waiting for me” I said to the angel manning the gate of heaven. I was still arguing with the angel when I heard Tommy’s voice calling “Kingsley, Kingsley.” Then some splash of water fell on my face. “What happened?” I asked those still around because my memory had been formatted by the slaps. “Na soldier babe you call that time, na him friend dey carry am, no be okada man,” Tommy said as friendly as he cool, trying not to laugh at me.
I wasn’t really feeling any pain at that moment though, but when I heard “soldier,” it was as if someone shot me, then I fainted again.